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a self-esteem punk [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

band | The Sound of DeathBoy
buy CDs | Line Out Records
free Mp3s | the Back Catalogue
radio | last.fm

ground swallow me! [Feb. 2nd, 2015|07:27 pm]
[Mood |cringing]

Oh yeah.

Wouldn't post this anywhere else, but hey, you guys know me, right? :P

MORTIFYING moment today.

I'm on a Very Low Calorie Diet thing where I eat packet-food two days out of five. It's really working and I'm happy about it.

It has, however, made me gassy.

Today, I jumped out of the way of a colleague to allow them to pass and... broke wind briefly.

-- but quite, quite unignorably, in earshot of her and another colleague.

He laughed and said (fairly) "Oh dude. There's no escaping that, is there?"

My jaw dropped and I simply said "Oh god. Well. So. THAT happened."

My other colleague's eyes popped and she just left without a word.

I wanted the fucking ground to open up beneath me.

Of all the things I would do to shock or surprise anybody, I find that sort of thing amazingly uncouth (oh god, at WORK of all places? jesus wept)

Honestly, I think of all the things that happened today (of which many were challenging and negative), that was the one that I couldn't actually cope with and will replay through my mind forever on loop, making it so I don't want to even speak to the people I love and work with every day.

So, so, so embarassing.

Ugh. *shudder*.

They didn't take the piss or mention it when I had to speak to them later and I'm just going to pretend it never ever happened.

So embarrassed. I can't even.

So, if you had any bad things happen today, well, you didn't break wind in front of your workmates. I assume.

Man. Life never stops giving you a new thing to make you feel horrible in your own skin.

37 and I can still find new things to horrify myself. Unbelievable.
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*tweak tweak tweak* [Feb. 2nd, 2015|07:18 pm]
[Mood |edgy]


I am full of manic energy.

Not bipolar-manic (not on the scale that feels like when it happens), just a heady mixture of too much work, not enough sleep, a big spoonful of anxiety, a soupcon of regret and a massive and delicious trifle of caring far too much about what other people think.

Feels a bit like having had too much caffeine, except that I've been good with keeping my intake low recently.

Lots of stuff happening at work, plus a few silly mixups with friends and while I'm on top of everything, my mind has decided to switch into HYPER-ALERT mode.

It is not pleasant! I'm going to have a wine and fiddle with some loopmusic, try to obtain some flow.

Flow is my anti-drug! :)

(well, apart from wine, obvs).
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Linky linky [Jan. 18th, 2015|12:52 am]
Oh! I knackered the link to my book in my last post. D'oh.

In case you were interested, the Horrorscopes can be found here!

(thanks for telling me it was busted!)
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STUFF that is going on in my life and head. [Jan. 16th, 2015|08:50 pm]
[Mood |nae bad]
[Music |Temp0rary]

[EDIT]: fixed me link to the book!

Soooooo recently, I have...

* Survived Christmas actually quite well. My family is a bit fighty, so a 'quiet' Christmas is a bit lack-lustre, but also refreshingly lack-punch-up. More importantly, I got to see my son loads and he got to see his grandparents loads. Relations with his mom are still really good, which makes me immensely happy and life a lot easier than it could otherwise be. Family stuff: All A-OK! Also didn't really eat tonnes of shit food that much more than usual, so didn't put on a fuck-tonne of weight for a change. Leading onto...

* Started a 5:2 diet using a Very Low Calorie Diet plan for the 'fasting' days. I've not done this sort of thing before, but it seems to be going OK. The 'spacefood' as I now call it is fairly rubbish, but acceptable and I have found I can get through a day on its meagre fayre. Helped enormously by knowing that I can eat normally the next day. There may be something to this whole 5:2 thing. I've lost a few pounds, and have a lot more to lose. My unhappiness with my increased weight has become too much of a burden, so along with getting back on the exercise kick (using my FitBit again more solidly), I figured I would try a diet. Cross your fingers for me. Hopefully there will be a lot less of me to love, in due time. (And yes, I'm being careful about my health, and will stop this if it doesn't suit me or has poor side-effects - I'd rather be healthy than slim).

* Published a book. My Horrorscopes can now be bought around thee worldz. Sold a nice smattering of them over the holidays, as I rushed to get it out in time for Christmas. I shall try to ramp up promoting it a little bit in the near future. Very happy to have achieved this (something I started writing on LiveJournal, in fact). It's cool to find out how you become 'full stack' at something and take it from concept to real thing in peoples' hands. Very proud of this :)

* Royally fucked up my shoulder. Not the comedy one! The other one! Managed to pull some muscles at the gym before Christmas, and when I returned to work, it came back in full effect. So obviously there's a work association. I can't do much about the work stress, but I'm being careful about my posture and ergonomics of my desk. Got myself some head-pad things and generally looking after it until the muscles all calm down. Got a doctor's appointment on Monday. This is rather positive as I'm sometimes a bit of a twat about doctors, so it made me sign up with a new local doc and get myself booked in. This is good, generally. It will pass in time, but it's made me fairly fed up for the last week or so.

* Got a game about to be finished, should be published on the various app stores in the next month or so. This is always a great moment in game dev life, am very proud of my team and what we've made. More on this once it's OK to link to it.

* Took our "Teach kids to code" game "Hakitzu" to a facility for kids who've been excluded from school and got an amazing reaction from them. A room full of kids who don't generally dig the education thing were all playing and enjoying (and learning!) - The staff told us afterwards they were gobsmacked and had never seen them engage so well at ANYTHING before. Really proud moment, great to bring something positive into the world and show that our company is doing something very worthwhile.

* Really cranked up my music output. A big part of this has been due to getting my little studio room in my house sorted, so I have all the things I need to make filthy sounds in their right places, so that when the mood strikes, I can do good work. I had missed being prolific and the wonderful feeling of flow while I do that, and of success in finishing new sounds. Currently finishing off work on a remix project for a dear friend, which I'll be able to tell you all about soon. In the mean time, check out my SoundCloud, and in particular, I'm very pleased with a few covers I've written, of Single by Everything But the Girl and Milk by Garbage. Please do give them a whirl and please share 'em out if you enjoy them.

I've had a few too many socially unpleasant situations lately with Facebook, which has prompted me to come back here at least for a while, where my friends are actually people I at least once had grown a connection with, and where I'm not yammering on to an overly-large audience of people I don't know, workmates (who I do love a whole bunch but have come to understand do NOT need to read my late-night drunken screeds) and extended family, who frankly cause too much drama.

It's nice to come back here and remember that I do still have friends here from back in the day, and from a frankly different era of social interaction (remember when the internet was mostly people QUITE LIKE YOU and not just EVERYBODY? so odd...).

Thank you lots to those of you who still take the time to reply and say hi, it's lovely that you're still here and still reading.

Probably the most un-DeathBoy post I've written in a good long time, but hey, I've got older and if not wiser, then at least fractionally less fucking ridiculous ;)

(Now, sit back and watch me put the lie to that last sentence when I've got nicely toasted and unleash all my mind-weasels upon you all in about six hours time...)

In the mean time, hello, you lot. Hope you're all fantastic ;) X
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chemical dependecy [Jan. 15th, 2015|03:40 am]
Today, I threw away the anti-depressants I'd held onto "for a rainy day".

I don't need them any more.

Last time I took them was as a stupid, painful show of how fucked-up I was while my relationship with my erstwhile wife was falling apart.

Haven't needed them in years, and it's stupid to keep a box of drugs about for a meltdown that isn't going to happen.

I've not been that kind of depressed since, well, pretty much since she left.

So instead of keeping them for a rainy day, I put them in the bin.

It's been a long, long time since I needed anti-depressants and keeping them around like some kind of keepsake is stupid and weird.

I've been doing OK for about three years now. Since she went away, I got my head back together.

I don't need a clutch of drugs for some time I'll lose myself again. I haven't lost myself since I got better after her.

I haven't needed that for years, now. I found myself a life that I enjoy and I don't need to have a bag of happy pills in the box 'just in case'.

And that's pretty cool.

I am Scott DeathBoy. I don't need anti-depressants to sort my head out, I'm pretty well-balanced, now.

And that's pretty cool.
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some old lyrics [Oct. 31st, 2014|10:09 pm]

would you say that you'll stay
for a while
wrap your arms around
and tell me it's alright

I can't see very far
now the paths have all turned dark
I just need
a little company tonight

would you watch me
carve your name into my arm
every letter makes a groove
provides a modicum of calm

I'm not my anymore
cast the bastard out the door
I'm the demon
living right behind your eyes

I keep holding tight
to memory's disease
every day I wake up
heart is breaking
begging you please

Wasn't free when I was yours
Slowly learned to slam the doors
Now the hallways of this citadel
are mine
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My life is rarely simple.

It's Sunday. So I need to do the washing. Of course I do. NORMAL SCOTT. Very normal.

Of course, then I realise that the last time I recorded the sound of my washing machine (WARNING WARNING), I only used my mobile phone and the recording quality wasn't really high enough to justify the fact that I used it as the basis of an industrial track (WARNING) and I should really take the opportunity to use my expensive field-microphone to make a BETTER recording this time (WARNING).

It's out of batteries. Of course it is. Batteries! Who even uses them? People who want to save on the manufacturing costs, right, eh, Zoom? URGH.

I could plug it into the mains using USB! No. Because its simplistic implementation of USB connectivity only assumes that I'll be connecting it to a computer (in which mode it won't act as a stand-alone mic) and so that's out.


I do this. And a pint of your finest vodka, my delightfully well-prepared corner-shop dude.
Put batteries in. NADA. Dead. Zip. Zilch. Portugal vs Germany (see what I did there? widening my audience. Oh yes.)

Inspect battery compartment (skip over ten minutes of percussive maintenance and calling a consumer hardware device a 'fucking treacherous silver bastard').

FANTASTIC! The battery compartment has corroded and a little bit of metal that (you know) makes the circuit has apparently FELL OFF.

Fine. FINE. No. FINE. Really. This is fine.

Find a jumpjack. Connect terminals of batteries. IT BOOTS! SUCCESS! It really is just as stupid as a bit of metal fell off due to acidic corrosion and now the battery compartment doesn't do its ONE JOB of linking the - to the + of two batteries. AGAIN. FINE.

Really starting to think I've invested rather too much time in this whole concept of recording my washing machine and should probably just put it on to wash and not record it because it's Sunday and I need to get my chores done.

NO. No, no no no, absolutely NO, William Gibson didn't become culturally irrelevant for me to not be able to do something as simple as close a fucking circuit so that I can record my fucking washing machine with my perversely expensive stereo field-recorder.


No. No, it isn't. The Chinese, lord bless them, have seen me coming and every millimeter of space on this case has been afforded to close EXACTLY perfectly, or at least so much so that the fucking thing won't close with a fucking jumpjack clamped between its jaws and making the circuit work.


Find a very small wire. Trim the fucking plastic back so that it's really not taking up any space at all, oh no. Gently, delicately, lovingly close the fucking battery case with the tiny little wire (oh! so tiny! you'll barely notice!) EXACTLY in place, bridging the contacts, so the thing is booting up nicely.

(we take a small break here to represent the 10 minutes in which a grown man shouts a variety of extremely inappropriate epithets at what is, when it comes down to it, a bit of wire)


What was I doing now?

Oh yes.

Turn. On. Washing. Machine.

Final stage: go upstairs and tell the internet what you just did. They are BOUND to be impressed at your inventiveness.

It's alright for you people. This is my life.
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Nice Update :) [Jan. 14th, 2014|09:20 pm]
[Mood |happyhappy]

Had a bit of a crap day today, really, but it started with something nice :)

I decided to bite the bullet and send a message to my friend on Facebook.

In the morning, I was pleased as anything to discover she had friended me and replied :)

She's doing fine, sounds quite happy and pleased that I got in contact / would like us to keep in touch.

My thanks to the people that encouraged me to be positive and to reach out and say hello, I'm glad I did :)
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don't go looking... [Jan. 9th, 2014|04:27 am]
[Mood |sadsad]

Had a dream last night about some people from university I haven't seen in 15 years or so.

Wracking my brains, I eventually remembered the surname of the one and found her on Facebook - hurray! I got it right! It was lovely to see her face, smiling. Time had been kind. I sent a friends request.

Then, cranking the handle on my rusty noggin, I remembered her best friend - quieter, more quirky lass, lots of fun,who I liked a bunch too, and desperately tried to remember her surname but couldn't for the life of me. I searched by her first name in the friends lists of people from uni who I already had on Facebook. No good.

Spent about 20 minutes, thinking and thinking, willing my memory to fucking WORK. Imagining the drunk parties we all went to, the dancing and silliness, the wonderful times (and a few bad ones).

Suddenly, DING! I fucking remembered! In fact, I remembered teasing her because it was a good surname for making silly jokes about. I knew I had got it right.

But then I tried to find her on Facebook and nothing. Friends of friends lists. Nothing.

So I tried some googling... I'm a little dataminer, me, when I get going. I tried a few things and found results for roughly the right geographical area in the career I knew she'd studied for. Maybe. Might be her, sounded close.

Nothing with any photos, though, but I felt I had the right person. Same person kept popping up with more and more little bits of (work-related) data that seemed to fit. I thought... Linkedin! Found her name! The job I expected! Friend of a friend... but still, no fucking photo, and too distant a link to let me say 'hi' via Linkedin. FUCK!

Tried google images, desperately... numerous word combinations, but got nothing useful. Then, WAIT! Fuckit, try Flickr!

No good... no good... no good... then, third page down, BANG! FUCKING FOUND HER! BINGO!

Absolutely, definitely her, (also much like she used to look), in a photo by a man with the same surname as her (brother, I assume).

LOTS of photos of her - I was over the moon! She was looking happy and much like I remembered, and mostly in the arms of a well-to-do-looking dude, both of them smiling. Holiday snaps, parties, lots of good times by the looks. I found pictures of her wedding. She looked lovely, her feller very dashing.

Eventually, a tag on a photo revealed his first name. I combined this with her full name in yet another google search and immediately I found his surname (her new surname, of course! that's why I got crappy results...)

And then I found her Just Giving page.

From a few years ago.

She was running a marathon for Cancer research.

Because her husband had died of it a few years ago. Had it since he was a kid, was in remission for years, then it got him. She wanted to give something to the research (and had got a really great total of donations) that had given him long enough for them to meet and get to know each other.

And, back in my head, all of the buzzing joy at succeeding at a data-sleuthing puzzle AND being SO clever AND finding my friend looking happy and just like I remembered her, in her life with this feller that she'd been smiling about in all those pictures... went 'pop' and fizzled away and scampered into a dark corner in my room.

With her new surname, I found her on Facebook straight away.

Haven't sent her a friend request yet.

Just looking at the pictures of her and her dude, smiling.

Am very melancholy, now.

Wish I wasn't such a fucking smart-arse and never managed to track her down.

Wish I didn't have to know what she's had happen.

Feelings of guilt about the twinges of jealousy I felt seeing how happy her life looked as I scrolled on by (reflecting, automatically, about my own exploded marriage and failure in that domain of life).

And strong feelings of sadness that all those smiles now lack the dude she had her arms around in every picture.

Going to try to go to sleep again, now. For a bit, at least. Don't feel like sleeping any more.

In the morning, I shall make a donation to Cancer Research and see if I feel comfortable to send her a message and say hello some how.

Going to cuddle my pillow and think about my son and my jodi.
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DVD Menus [Dec. 27th, 2013|02:06 pm]
[Location |The Foulest, Bleakest Midlands]
[Mood |unhinged]
[Music |Dinky dinky DING DE DING]

There is a special hell reserved for the designers of DVD navigation.

I wonder how it's possible that they can have lived their whole lives without ever watching a DVD at home, yet it seems that must be the answer to their behaviour.

I don't want an advert or an overly-long ident, and I want neither at FOUR TIMES THE VOLUME OF THE REST OF THE SHOW as is now customary.

But more, oh so very much more, I do not want a 17-second edit of the introductory music for the show looped in such an unmusical way that anybody in the room with the faintest sense of rhythm or beat will immediately crunch into an agonising bent-spine wince of horror as after playing 3.7 bars of the ditty, it clumsily fades out, then OH SWEET GOD YOU LOOPED IT THERE??? ... lurches RIGHT back in again for another crack. For ever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

Want to get some food / get yourself settled before you watch that DVD? Oh boy, you'd better get used to listening to that abortion of a looped jingle. Want to PAUSE the menu? You know, like you can pause things? You know, things... music... the movie when it's playing... EVEN TELEVISION PAUSES NOW. LIVE TELEVISION CAN BE PAUSED, BUT NOT THE COWING DVD *MENU*, OH NO!

No, indeed, that just pops up with a fricking circle with a line-through it in the corner of the screen and "NOT ALLOWED". You are NOT escaping this brain-consuming loop.

And god only help you if you fall asleep on the sofa watching your boxed set because at some point about 4am, you're going to wake up with something jammed into your mind, like broken glass in an apple... that loop will have been PLAYING and PLAYING and PLAYING and PLAYING into your dreams, into your soul until you wake up, pull the machine out of the wall and hurl it into oblivion where it belongs. (Though trust me, that won't stop the music because it's NOW INSIDE YOUR HEAD).

Of course, if you're just sitting down to watch the DVD and have been so foolish as to insert the disc while you get settled, you'll just be starting to want to lynch the person who willingly, with malice aforethought and a computer science degree (one assumes) set up the DVD with this abhorrent amusical excretion, you'll finally desperately punch PLAY... to PLAY THE DAMNED MOVIE...

And what do you hear? Why, once the feature starts, the very first thing you'll have the luxury of listening to... is the full version of the theme music you were just forced to endure.

Oh, yes, DVD-makers, make no mistake, I will find you.

There will be justice.

Happy Christmas.
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