Log in

a self-esteem punk [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

band | The Sound of DeathBoy
buy CDs | Line Out Records
free Mp3s | the Back Catalogue
radio | last.fm

utterly mucking things up [Sep. 21st, 2015|12:52 am]
[Mood |bipolar]


yep, well, here I am again with a massive ball of shite I did wrong/has messed my head up/LA LA LA.


So, I'm 38 now (wow to that) and I'm trying to

a) keep my job going without killing anybody / getting fired (actually, my colleagues are almost entirely awesome with a few exceptions and OH GOD THE STRESS). Only ranked above b), because if I fuck this up, WOW will b) become difficult. Maslow, right?

b) keep my non-job-non-love-life sorted, ie, keep my home life good, be as good to my son as I possibly can be, keep my mental health in order (more about THAT later) and generally be a normal, decent human being

c) I dunno. Make cool shit. Be happy. Have something to say for the time I spend on this earth that ISN'T working/parenting/shitting/feeding/sleeping/repeating

While I've fallen out with somebody BADLY recently (I tried dating somebody who was a little right of centre and aggressive and not really clued up on mental health, who after I openly said I was bipolar then asked EVERY time we had a disagreement if this was "because of your condition?") ... it's been made painfully clear to me that my mental health is still a problem. A fair sized problem.

I'm high-functioning as hell. I DO pin down a GREAT job (at least in terms of pay, responsibility, achievement), my son is wonderful (I think I actually have not fucked this ONE thing up) and, you know, I have a flat and nice people talk to me and occasionally let me snog them. Woo.

But in the throes of trying to deal with a few relationships, HOLY SHIT has my broken brain fucked everything up for me.

So, here's the thing (man, I hate that string of words, sorry): I am very much getting the realisation that the quirks of how my brain works are far more of a barrier to having any sort of happiness / normal human interaction / decent life than I've been letting myself think for maybe the past ten years.

After my mid-twenties and the madness that happened then... after the carnage that was my marriage... after stopping working from home and leaving the echo-chamber of only my own thoughts and those of the internets that I chose to frequent...

... I was standing there thinking pretty much this:

* I've survived a bunch of ARSE things and I'm still here and a bit smarter

* I guess I'm getting older and I'm not so pretty but I still have a lot to offer

* I have put a number of the important things in life in place (flat, kid, work, etc)

THEREFORE (and here's where it all goes wrong):


However, a quick sit-rep on things reveals:

* I still have a lifestyle that regularly makes me hate myself and my life

* Can't save money / do anything for the future at ALL. I live in the momeny/paycheck

* EVERY relationship I have, I manage to sabotage

* NOT regularly suicidal or bleak but OH GOD am I regularly a fucking pain in the ass because of how badly I can't deal with emotions (and how they interact with people / the world)

I do not want to walk around saying to people "Hey, I'm emotionally compromised in most social interactions, please treat me differently or gently because if you don't I'll either suffer hugely, or react horrifically or (often) BOTH"

But honestly, the most important interactions with people - people I dearly adore - have been characterised by this.

I can't deal with emotions in the way most people apparently do.

THINGS LIKE: I used to think I had crushingly low self-esteem. For a while, I think that was true, but I can pretty much tell you that now, my self-esteem can be pretty grand for quite a reasonable percentage of normal life, but I can STILL react to thing as though I have crushingly low self-esteem. What gives?

... I think (now) what gives is this: I have developed ok (maybe good!) self-esteem. BUT (and I like big BUTs and I cannot lie) - the degree to which my self-esteem can be bent out of shape is *OFF* the *FFFFUCCCCKINGGGG* *CHARTS*.

From the simplest of things. The most facile, innocent, pathetic things.

When I was young and before people knew much about mental health, they said I was "highly strung". That's still not a terrible descriptor. HOLY SHIT the amount my emotions will twang and (as a result) the degree to which my self-esteem (just for instance) can be demolished (OR BUILT TO GODLIKE SUPREMACY) by things most people might just not even register... it is... well, it's fucking debilitating, if I'm honest.

It is EXACTLY the sort of thing that I pretend doesn't happen and tell people isn't a thing any more and EXACTLY the sort of thing that fucks me on a daily basis and can lead to WEEKS of my feeling like I want to die just because one person I adore said one thing they didn't realise cut me to the quick and that my STUPID fucking mind has been playing on repeat since then, every SINGLE moment.

I can watch the stat of my happy go down down down, like when you're taking shots in a video game and your health bar is punching down down down.

And when it gets low, the fucking monkey-brain in me, maybe not even that, the fucking LIZARD hind-brain takes over all of the other functions and all the limbs and screams FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, HOW *DARE* YOU TREAT ME THIS WAY, I WILL MAKE YOU ALL SUFFER, I WILL *RAZE YOUR SHIT TO THE GROUND* UNTIL YOU *NEVER* MAKE ME FEEL THREATENED AGAIN.

Then, some time later, the dust clears, I have a sleep, I sober up, the monkey/lizard/genocide-machine has gone into hibernation mode and I realise I have responded WHOLLY inappropriately to a situation that was probably fairly benign or at the very least didn't require me to brutally attack every single fucking person standing near me that wasn't actively sucking my cock at the time.

THAT was not just my teenage years, but my twenties too. And I thought that in my thirties (because I have honestly, truly tried to mediate this) - that it was under wraps.

Turns out not.

This paranoid, spastic rage-lizard inside my stupid fucking head... this thing that gets PUMPED when I don't get what I want to make me feel warm and squishy (not SAFE, not CONTENT, but often just NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT or FEEL I DESERVE) ... the fucking bastard is still there. STILL there.

And I watch with detachment as I sabotage friendships and relationships with loved-ones. Like a documentary camera-guy in the back seat of a fucking 4x4 in some horrific American reality-TV show, I WATCH myself spoon things up, irrevocably, with the people that I adore more than *anything* else in the world.

I have spent an entire week thinking that somebody I care about was being shitty to me, REALLY shitty. Deliberately, callously putting me in my place, making it clear through their actions that I need to back off and suck it up.

My self-esteem was in the fucking ditch. I talked to somebody I care about tonnes and they said - VERY AWESOMELY - that you shouldn't trade self-esteem for not-feeling-lonely. And they were bloody well right.

Except that I just re-examined a bunch of things (actual things, you know, conversation records) to confirm how much I'd been wronged.

Aaaaaand I could not find the evidence I was looking for at all.

The other person had been, largely, okay with me. A few occasions where I could have gone "hey! I'm here, right! pokepoke", but actually, I had *imagined* several instances of being treated like shit that had been on my fucking back ALL week.

Let's just look at this for a minute.

I spent *ALL WEEK* upset. Feeling like this. And acting like a douche to the other person *in reply* to their perceived misdeeds.


It was pretty much almost *ALL* in my mind.

Now, I have a response to that, which - like all the other MONKEY BASTARD responses - I learned from my dad.

That's to pretend the slights and the arrows and the deliberate violence were REAL, retcon your own behaviour (as a set of perfectly reasonable responses), STEP UP the passive aggression and fucking well demand the other party acknowledges how they wronged you and damned-well agree to a plan of never doing THAT shit again!

But I'm fairly sure they didn't actually do hardly anything wrong.

I'm fairly certain, as it goes, that I constructed all of this. Through my own preconceptions, and the biases built up in my stupid head, and the way I try to rationalise my interactions with the world, with other people, and my own instinctive actions.

I was about to write that I don't even have a lexicon of how to admit that to somebody.

But I do. I DO! I'm introspective as fuck and I can fess up to a fuckup and I am GOOD at expressing myself!

And so here's where we get back to the point at the top.

I can only make that apology by saying "I think that my mental health issues were a fairly big part in the way that I responded and acted recently. I can see that now, and I could see it then, but owing to how that works, I couldn't prevent myself from acting the way I did, even though I tried to think about it and act decently"

And that means saying "my disability pretty much did this. to you. to me, too. I'm so sorry."

And that means saying to myself: I really, really do still have a disability.

Realising that I've told myself for a good ten years or so that I don't.

But that, like my parents do, if I pretend otherwise, then the blame and the consequences and the compromises needed must come from YOU and not from me.

When actually, it's me that's flawed.

I don't want to live this way, knowing that I'm flawed this way, knowing there are things I *just can't do*.

I've always said I can do anything. And fuck me, I've done some fucking things! I really fucking bastardarding well have.

I don't want to have to say that there's a whole range of things... how I cope with emotional responses, primarily, that I actually can't mediate well. I make other people cope with them. And that's not right.

But mostly, I don't want to have to say there's stuff I can't do properly.

But I can't. And my current response is hurting people. Specifically, important people.

So yeah.

There's stuff I can't do.

I don't want accommodation or sympathy or help or anything, I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.

But fucking hell. There's stuff I apparently, provenly, historically: can't do.

What a fucking ballache, man.

What a ridiculous state of affairs.

If you read this far down, thanks and sorry.

Better things will come. I promise.
Link11 comments|Leave a comment

disappointed [Aug. 6th, 2015|12:31 pm]
Scuse the stream of glumness here. As you might have guessed, I've popped back for a bit because I have some things to say that I don't want to air on Facebook, which contains far too many people that will get the arse with me / think less of me, etc.

I know you reprobates already know what I'm like and feel happier talking freely here.

I am, however, going to try to pull my head out of my arse! No point being gloomy all the time.

Come on, then... After three, a big, rousing cheer of "CHEER UP, GOTH!"

Link9 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2015|09:51 am]
Yo, fuckers!

Writing this on the train... such a strange experience to post to lj from a phone again. Reminds me of 2003!

I am in a better mood this morning. Plus, this evening, i get to see my son and tomorrow I travel to visit my awesome mates in Devon :D

Just have to get through a day of work, then all shall be smiles :)

Could do with another 48 hours of sleep, mind you...

OK! Time to rock and roll...
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

fuck it. [Aug. 5th, 2015|09:01 pm]
You know what?

Bollarks to this for a game of soldiers.

I'm not going to mope, I'm going to have a nice bath with some cracking scifi to watch, then I'm going to watch some particularly innovative pictures of men and ladies taking their clothes off, then I'm going to read some fucking comics and have a decent night's sleep.

To fuck with caring what people think.

And I'm going to eat a fucking cake 'n all.

I am a perfectly normal human worm baby and youz can all get fucked.
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

Further oscillations [Aug. 5th, 2015|08:46 pm]
[Location |London]
[Mood |grim]

Had a really good day, today, quite unexpectedly.

Work went really well and we scored some huge and much-deserved wins.

Then, out of nowhere, a well-loved friend I said ello to lashes out and makes me feel like I'm an ugly teenager in the fucking club, surrounded by the cool, attractive types who're all laughing in my face because I don't belong and it's funny that I once dared to cop off with somebody.

Now I feel useless and fucking pointless again.

So that's awesome.

Additionally, somebody I like (not a goth - amazing, eh?) and had got very close to has, for no fucking reason, just decided to go off me, like I'm yesterday's fucking salad. I don't even know what I've done. Literally think they just saw enough of me to go 'yeah, done that now, bored. next.'

Piss to this for a game of chips.

I'm going to go and have a bath and do a fucking cry in the dark, I reckon.
Link9 comments|Leave a comment

Goths / Rave music [Jul. 19th, 2015|02:42 pm]
[Location |London]
[Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Music |Mentasm]

Have realised while in conversation with a friend that rave music was, essentially, a pesticide developed to exterminate those goths that survived the end of the 80s.

Unfortunately, it had the effect of creating a superstrain of nearly unkillable gothics who were immune to most dance music.

Now, only the most gratuitous and toxic forms of dubstep may be used to correctly exterminate unwanted goths shambling around your dancefloor, and there are stories of a new strain that can even survive the most poisonous basslines.

Similarly, the Steampunk breeding program has been only partially successful in creating a form of watered-down goth which is marginally more jovial and can form actual sentences, but they too have defeated their original purpose by developing the ability to camouflage themselves against rust and kill even the most hardy DJ with long, tedious stories about their favourite shade of brown.

I don't even want to go into the Cybergoth debacle. Essentially, somebody stuck a strobe up a goth and couldn't get it back out. They do at least seem to be slowly disappearing up their own complete lack of relevance, but MAN they lasted longer than we thought.

You can actually get rid of Steampunks and Cybers by breeding them together, but guess what you get?


It's the ciiiiircle of liiiiife.

Link5 comments|Leave a comment

ground swallow me! [Feb. 2nd, 2015|07:27 pm]
[Mood |cringing]

Oh yeah.

Wouldn't post this anywhere else, but hey, you guys know me, right? :P

MORTIFYING moment today.

I'm on a Very Low Calorie Diet thing where I eat packet-food two days out of five. It's really working and I'm happy about it.

It has, however, made me gassy.

Today, I jumped out of the way of a colleague to allow them to pass and... broke wind briefly.

-- but quite, quite unignorably, in earshot of her and another colleague.

He laughed and said (fairly) "Oh dude. There's no escaping that, is there?"

My jaw dropped and I simply said "Oh god. Well. So. THAT happened."

My other colleague's eyes popped and she just left without a word.

I wanted the fucking ground to open up beneath me.

Of all the things I would do to shock or surprise anybody, I find that sort of thing amazingly uncouth (oh god, at WORK of all places? jesus wept)

Honestly, I think of all the things that happened today (of which many were challenging and negative), that was the one that I couldn't actually cope with and will replay through my mind forever on loop, making it so I don't want to even speak to the people I love and work with every day.

So, so, so embarassing.

Ugh. *shudder*.

They didn't take the piss or mention it when I had to speak to them later and I'm just going to pretend it never ever happened.

So embarrassed. I can't even.

So, if you had any bad things happen today, well, you didn't break wind in front of your workmates. I assume.

Man. Life never stops giving you a new thing to make you feel horrible in your own skin.

37 and I can still find new things to horrify myself. Unbelievable.
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

*tweak tweak tweak* [Feb. 2nd, 2015|07:18 pm]
[Mood |edgy]


I am full of manic energy.

Not bipolar-manic (not on the scale that feels like when it happens), just a heady mixture of too much work, not enough sleep, a big spoonful of anxiety, a soupcon of regret and a massive and delicious trifle of caring far too much about what other people think.

Feels a bit like having had too much caffeine, except that I've been good with keeping my intake low recently.

Lots of stuff happening at work, plus a few silly mixups with friends and while I'm on top of everything, my mind has decided to switch into HYPER-ALERT mode.

It is not pleasant! I'm going to have a wine and fiddle with some loopmusic, try to obtain some flow.

Flow is my anti-drug! :)

(well, apart from wine, obvs).
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

Linky linky [Jan. 18th, 2015|12:52 am]
Oh! I knackered the link to my book in my last post. D'oh.

In case you were interested, the Horrorscopes can be found here!

(thanks for telling me it was busted!)
LinkLeave a comment

STUFF that is going on in my life and head. [Jan. 16th, 2015|08:50 pm]
[Mood |nae bad]
[Music |Temp0rary]

[EDIT]: fixed me link to the book!

Soooooo recently, I have...

* Survived Christmas actually quite well. My family is a bit fighty, so a 'quiet' Christmas is a bit lack-lustre, but also refreshingly lack-punch-up. More importantly, I got to see my son loads and he got to see his grandparents loads. Relations with his mom are still really good, which makes me immensely happy and life a lot easier than it could otherwise be. Family stuff: All A-OK! Also didn't really eat tonnes of shit food that much more than usual, so didn't put on a fuck-tonne of weight for a change. Leading onto...

* Started a 5:2 diet using a Very Low Calorie Diet plan for the 'fasting' days. I've not done this sort of thing before, but it seems to be going OK. The 'spacefood' as I now call it is fairly rubbish, but acceptable and I have found I can get through a day on its meagre fayre. Helped enormously by knowing that I can eat normally the next day. There may be something to this whole 5:2 thing. I've lost a few pounds, and have a lot more to lose. My unhappiness with my increased weight has become too much of a burden, so along with getting back on the exercise kick (using my FitBit again more solidly), I figured I would try a diet. Cross your fingers for me. Hopefully there will be a lot less of me to love, in due time. (And yes, I'm being careful about my health, and will stop this if it doesn't suit me or has poor side-effects - I'd rather be healthy than slim).

* Published a book. My Horrorscopes can now be bought around thee worldz. Sold a nice smattering of them over the holidays, as I rushed to get it out in time for Christmas. I shall try to ramp up promoting it a little bit in the near future. Very happy to have achieved this (something I started writing on LiveJournal, in fact). It's cool to find out how you become 'full stack' at something and take it from concept to real thing in peoples' hands. Very proud of this :)

* Royally fucked up my shoulder. Not the comedy one! The other one! Managed to pull some muscles at the gym before Christmas, and when I returned to work, it came back in full effect. So obviously there's a work association. I can't do much about the work stress, but I'm being careful about my posture and ergonomics of my desk. Got myself some head-pad things and generally looking after it until the muscles all calm down. Got a doctor's appointment on Monday. This is rather positive as I'm sometimes a bit of a twat about doctors, so it made me sign up with a new local doc and get myself booked in. This is good, generally. It will pass in time, but it's made me fairly fed up for the last week or so.

* Got a game about to be finished, should be published on the various app stores in the next month or so. This is always a great moment in game dev life, am very proud of my team and what we've made. More on this once it's OK to link to it.

* Took our "Teach kids to code" game "Hakitzu" to a facility for kids who've been excluded from school and got an amazing reaction from them. A room full of kids who don't generally dig the education thing were all playing and enjoying (and learning!) - The staff told us afterwards they were gobsmacked and had never seen them engage so well at ANYTHING before. Really proud moment, great to bring something positive into the world and show that our company is doing something very worthwhile.

* Really cranked up my music output. A big part of this has been due to getting my little studio room in my house sorted, so I have all the things I need to make filthy sounds in their right places, so that when the mood strikes, I can do good work. I had missed being prolific and the wonderful feeling of flow while I do that, and of success in finishing new sounds. Currently finishing off work on a remix project for a dear friend, which I'll be able to tell you all about soon. In the mean time, check out my SoundCloud, and in particular, I'm very pleased with a few covers I've written, of Single by Everything But the Girl and Milk by Garbage. Please do give them a whirl and please share 'em out if you enjoy them.

I've had a few too many socially unpleasant situations lately with Facebook, which has prompted me to come back here at least for a while, where my friends are actually people I at least once had grown a connection with, and where I'm not yammering on to an overly-large audience of people I don't know, workmates (who I do love a whole bunch but have come to understand do NOT need to read my late-night drunken screeds) and extended family, who frankly cause too much drama.

It's nice to come back here and remember that I do still have friends here from back in the day, and from a frankly different era of social interaction (remember when the internet was mostly people QUITE LIKE YOU and not just EVERYBODY? so odd...).

Thank you lots to those of you who still take the time to reply and say hi, it's lovely that you're still here and still reading.

Probably the most un-DeathBoy post I've written in a good long time, but hey, I've got older and if not wiser, then at least fractionally less fucking ridiculous ;)

(Now, sit back and watch me put the lie to that last sentence when I've got nicely toasted and unleash all my mind-weasels upon you all in about six hours time...)

In the mean time, hello, you lot. Hope you're all fantastic ;) X
Link9 comments|Leave a comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]