a self-esteem punk

holidays

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:37:03 GMT

Morning begins with mom knocking the door, then immediately opening it and starting a conversation, waking us up (then literally just backs out, closes the door and walks off as I complain at her rudeness)...

Dad opens a parcel addressed to me (but at their address), realises it's for me, then tell me what it is, thus spoiling the surprise Kirsten planned to be her Christmas present to me, leaving her frustrated and upset...

Corben may have swine-flu and, in conjunction with my trick-shoulder (which is in a bad way after dragging huge present-laden bags up-country yesterday) wakes me up every 1-2 hours last night and covers most of us in vomit on various occasions...

Sitting in the dining room, talking to Kirsten on MSN because I have to work and she has to study and the rest of the house is not particularly conducive to either...

Yep, it's Christmas with my family!

I say all of this with a wry smile - it's heavy-going, but it's good to be with my family, no matter what they're like, and better still to have Kirsten here, and get to see in Christmas with the nipper.

I'd love to pretend this wasn't how they advertised adulthood in the brochure, but I'm from the midlands, where this is considered the deluxe package :)

hoooooboy :)

Android

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 20:03:50 GMT

Just picked up an Android G2, what's the essential software for such a toy?^*

^{* "bluh bluh bluh, I have a tiny dick, your phone is shit haw haw haw" fuckwits need not bother answering, cheers.}

mawkish, moi?

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 08:29:32 GMT

Am currently in a lovely little island of calm between on-going house-moving logistics (all papers filed, waiting for references to come back, thinking about which days will have be be curtailed from my family visit to make the move once I get the keys) and keeping to the deadlines I have racked up for the "holiday" (which is increasingly becoming a misnomer).

I mean, yes, I'm awake before 8am on a saturday, having had about 4 hours sleep, but importantly, I went to sleep in and woke up to a bedroom containing my wife and my son.

I am big ape in his techno-cave, with his family.

Sleeping sounds and blinking LEDs and plasma screen with illustrated, anthropomorphic, singing animals entertaining the little one.

This makes big ape happy.

Plus, big ape should be getting a shiny new gadget-phone and a pocket-sized HDMI divx player delivered between now and lunchtime. Which also makes big ape quite pleased.

Nothing like fulfilling Maslow's hierarchy of needs from both directions at the same time :)

Later today, a last bit of Christmas shopping, a little work, and another evening with Corben visiting.

I'm cautious not to jinx things - my metaphorical knackers are still sore from the collective kickings delivered over the last week - but a bit of determination and the reassurance of having my wonderful wife and extended social circle there for some back-up is going a long way.

If i can get away with a nap or two without Corben playing the bongos on my head, I shall consider the weekend quite successfully begun.

the rabbit

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 08:22:58 GMT

THE RABBIT HAS ENTERED THE WARREN!

REPEAT THE RABBIT HAS ENTERED THE WARREN!

OPEN CHARLIE TUNNEL WE DIG TILL DAWN!

(kirsten got in fine, we actually got exactly the luck I'd prayed for, no heavy questioning, booyah!)

:D

vibes

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 06:35:50 GMT

Hokayyyy motherfuckers!

Today shall be potentially challenging.

Picking Kirsten up from Heathrow soon, for the Christmas hols... we've been warned that we could face even more of a barrage of questions than normal because she now is clearly married to me (my surname and everything, something we could have avoided, doh!) then they will want even more robust proof that she won't overstay her welcome.

Of course, it might just be the standard "show your return ticket, answer a few questions about your stay" affair, in which case I shall be able to scoop her up in an hour! We don't quite get a month this time, about three-and-a-bit weeks, but I've been just about going out of my mind missing her, so fingers crossed immigration smile upon our array of "look seriously, she's in the last six months of a 5 year degree, she ain't staying here" evidence :P I shall report back!

Annnnd next, I shall be finishing my forms and handing them in to the estate agents later today. I don't THINK I need luck with these as my references normally check out, but given the potential level of bureaucracy and ineptitude that is seemingly endemic throughout Britain's property "professionals", I would be glad of a prevailing wind at my back so we could start moving in next week. We shall seeeeee.

Cross your internal organs for me, folks. Good vibes, vibraphones, vibrators and copies of Vib Ribbon all graciously accepted!

I'm off to lasso me a wife!

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:44:40 GMT

Ouch. Just added up what this move IS costing me, and effectively, it's going to eat my entire christmas bonus.

Fuck it. 's only money.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:39:19 GMT

Ah fuckedy HAHA!

Found a room. Same (CHEAP) money I'm paying now, 10 minutes walk from where I live now, available immediately.

In fact, the only down side is that it's 3rd floor. I guess that's going to get me and Corben fit, but it's not the end of the universe.

I've put down a deposit, and will get them the documents tomorrow, I could very possibly be ready to move in before Christmas, or immediately in the new year.

Which means that I'll get the shitty moving part out of the way before the current dayjob project goes thermonuclear.

Of course, I'm dropping money on things like a (bullshit) admin fee and finding a new deposit, etc, but everywhere you live is a compromise, so fuck it.

Fingers crossed my references go through quickly and trouble-free.

Fucking GET IN.

improvement

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 23:18:29 GMT

am feeling better than earlier.

been talking to friends and kirsten, my folks and corben's mom about how things might work out and at least I seem to have a number of escape plans.

in the short term, there's a few properties slap bang in the middle of enfield that I'm going to try to look at *tomorrow* that suit perfectly. If I could absolutely sprint through the process, I could move before christmas and know that I'm coming back after seeing my folks, to my own place. Not hugely likely, but not impossible.

and kirsten will be helping me look, and my folks will make with the chequebook if needs be (finding a new deposit after christmas? just what I needed! ouch...)

So, yis. Things will fix. I may need some help though. cheers for all the kind words, already, it does perk me up :)

kick in the face

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:15:10 GMT

Whelp, today has been something of a loss.

I fucked up and Kirsten's actually coming thursday, not tomorrow. Mostly fixed by re-arranging hotel and asking lovely people if they could help me out on a different day.

Then I got told that for us to hit our deadlines, I have to work throughout christmas.

This is during the time i get to see kirsten, and while I will be looking after my son and travelling to and from my parents' in the midlands.

I'd just about taken that on the chin, when my housemate asks if he can talk for five minutes, to tell me that he's kicking me out.

In February. The start of February. This is during the time that our project will be finishing.

And yes, he can do that, as we have no contracts here, because it's run as a sort of rolling house-share for Polish folks who may not stay long, or may leave abruptly.

I figured there was a strange mood in the house, so I assume that everyone already knew, as it does get a bit us-and-them on the language and gossip front occasionally.

I was told that it's because his sister is moving over and he needs the room for her to give her a start, but I don't know if that's true. My guess is that they finally got sick of me.

So today has been quite extraordinarily bad.

For the first time in my adult life, I'm considering taking my parents up on their offer of going home to live with them, because I feel as though I can't stand on my own two feet any more.

It was already too much, I was already losing control, and this is now, categorically more than I can deal with.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this.

Second fucking christmas on the run, as well... people really want to STOP picking this time of year to make people homeless.

Jesus. I don't even feel suicidal. I just feel... numb.

I will turn this around. I don't currently know how.

crap crap crap crappedy fuckballs

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:24:47 GMT

You know when you're fucking furious about something, and want to be mad at the world, except that in actual fact, it's your own fault?

Kirsten is not arriving tomorrow.

She's FLYING tomorrow.

I booked a hotel and asked a friend to take corben on the wrong day, and i don't get to see her tomorrow.

It's like having christmas put back a day.

FUCKING PISS.

i'm an idiot, i should have remembered it was an overnight flight.

i have been more happy.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:57:51 GMT

M-Audio seem to have a new DJ controller out.

I finally don't need any more DJ control surfaces since I got my beloved Pacemaker, but this looks alright. I had the original X-session, and it was (and still is) a good piece of kit.

Speaking of which, fucking ThinkGeek and Firebox are stocking the Pacemaker... crikey, it's gone all mainstream...

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:47:31 GMT

The BBC's Have Your Say comments board is normally full of utter fuckwits, but occasionally it's refreshing to see the great unwashed seemingly holiding a similar opinion^* as me:

Does religion have a part to play in politics? (the most popular answers being a resounding "no")`

- spawned from the Archbishop of Canterbury basically whinging that people are less bothered about religion these days. Whelp, that's pretty much the state of play, matey. Doesn't matter what you say or what circles you move in, the country is not dominated by people to whom religion is particularly significant.

Obviously, the guy's just doing his job and genuinely believes the world is thus - I don't have the hate for him, though I do think he's strapped on the rose-tinted glasses on this one.

^{* and thus correct, obviously, for I know all}

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:36:33 GMT

Waldorf Edition Plug-In Suite

If you're one of those crazy fuckers who pays for their software, this isn't bad value for money.

The D-Pole filter is a total classic and worth £25 on its own, getting the attack and the wave table synth (both good, but many similar good products exist) is just a bonus. the D-Pole is a fucking insane filter plugin... lots of modes, really strong, with built in distortion. Can take things from boring to FUCKING JESUS in about three clicks.

I don't usually push paying for soft-synths as while their developers must work as hard as anyone else, I generally find the prices to be outrageous, but this isn't a bad bundle. Maybe a stocking-filler for the computer-musician in your life.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 18:30:54 GMT

Italy's PM Silvio Berlusconi is bloodied by attack

FUCKING YES!

Aw, man, that's made my fucking day!

that's a happy picture right there. :D:D:D

is there some way to shake a motherfucker's hand via the internet?

on the down side, chances of the assailant meeting a sticky end soon: high.

but fuck me, I want that picture framed.

[edit:] to be clear, I'm not in favour of assaulting people, I'm getting some schadenfreude from seeing something bad happen to a total prick. If he'd took a pie in the face, or just fell over and broke his leg, I'd be just as happy. The man deserves some karma.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 16:50:57 GMT

just realised, it's going to be really embarrassing if i actually don't like avatar when i see it ;)

nattering about it with a mate, we came to the idea that there's a lot of pre-emptive dissing going on because secretly a lot of folks are excited to see it and don't want to be disappointed by it.

reviews seem good though!

AVATAr IS A BIG PILE OF SHEIT

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 12:06:33 GMT

YEAH, AVATARS FUCKING SHIT MAN

FUCKINJG SHIT!!!! WHAT A WANKER I CAN T BELIEVE IT LOL

what, have i seen it?

no, of course not. i just can't believe how offensively shit it's going to be when i do go and see it.

will I be supporting this multi-million-dollar hollywood production?

oh yes. despite frothing at the chops about how shit it is BEFORE i see it, i will most definitely be paying at the cinema to watch it.

am I being a bit of a tool about this?

well, maybe a teensy bit.

do I slag off harry potter? or twilight? well, no. what would be the point? they're well established as being populist awful films.

how could I possibly increase my cachet, my social self-righteousness and fringe-cool by railing against such hackneyed victims?

No, i must slag off this movie by a pretty well-respected producer, that's getting decent reviews well before I inevitably and confusingly pay to watch it at the cinema nonetheless.

You're right. This behaviour is a bit confusing. I'm glad we had this chat.

UNEXPECTED MASSIVE WIN

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 15:09:55 GMT

SO.

I wake up.

With a fucking hangover.

And little sleep.

And the one thing above all other things i have to do today is to get my passport application sent in, because Kirsten's coming over in a week and if they turn her back, i need to be able to travel to be with her. i am, under no circumstances, prepared to spend christmas apart from my wife.

And I can't find the forms.

Un-be-fucking-lievable.

I am going out of my absolute fucking MIND trying to find this envelope.

I go through the fucking bins.

I check and re-check the whole fucking room, again and again.

Nothing.

This is INSANE.

So, I start tearing the room apart.

I find a pile of xbox and wii games. Shit, I never even played Soul Caliber on the Wii? Gutted!

Shit, there's about three games still in their wrappers, I've been remiss! There's house of the dead, I'm sure I played that, maybe I bought a copy for someone else, then there's bioshock and oblivion on xbox budget range, but i'll get to them later, then there's my old passport, then there's that dragonball game on Wii and

WAIT A FUCKING SECOND

MY OLD FUCKING PASSPORT.

UNDER A PILE OF XBOX GAMES.

I HAVE FOUND MY MOTHERFUCKING PASSPORT.

THIS IS EPIC.

I am SO fucking relieved, plus about £120 better off (for the 1-week passport replacement service).

I'm afraid that I did waste ephemera's lunchtime yesterday, but it was a great excuse for pizza and a catch-up :)

My room now looks like, well, like I hit it, I suppose. A bombsite that's been hit by another, larger bombsite.

But I am content.

i'm going to have a bath now. just you fucking wait and see.

Hells bastarding yes, my friend. Hells yes INDEED.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 13:40:22 GMT

Henceforth, all suicide notes should end with "lol".

I can't take it any more. All of my life, I have struggled to make a difference, to be met at every turn by hateful, self-serving, vindictive fucks. Well, you drove me to this, and I hope that it weighs on your hearts as you go through life knowing that you forced me to cut mine short. My blood will forever be on your hands. lol.

That's how I'm going out.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:46:41 GMT

Hello, I'm Chris Rock and I'm painfully unfunny.

If you have a multi-million dollar CGI production in which the entire cast (be they trucks, animals, or magnetic space badgers) is clearly and painfully white, you can hire me.

I'll just talk like Chris Rock, which will be annoying, but then eventually, I'll stop, and the relief will be exquisite, and you'll get to think you have some level of diversity in your production. Which you don't.

Mush dash, I have to say something "edgy".

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:31:31 GMT

I really hate the fact that most people on myspace use it as a spam gateway.

We never post on other people's profiles, we never send junkmails.

If you come onto my page and try to post a fucking three paragraph marketing screed, you're a rude fucking cunt, and you're going to be abused on your own profile, flagged as spam, then blocked, you worthless shit-bags.

Also, i'm fucking your dad.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 11:28:24 GMT

other people: making sure you know you're not good enough since 1977.

audioporn podcast barrowmanrape

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:51:16 GMT

[EDIT]

fuckyall, and fuck audio recordings. a failed experiment.

what a fucking massive waste of time.

XP fun

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:10:59 GMT

Windows XP tip:

if you have your taskbar set to auto-hide (like any sensible human) and it won't, try clicking to maximise, then clicking again to minimise every app on the bar.

one of them impolitely wants your attention and won't let the bar hide until you've brought the app up then dismissed it.

yes, this is shit.

yes, I still love XP.

long day is long

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:27:19 GMT

home again, home again, jiggety jig...

went into London proper to meet up with the lovely ephemera to get my passport application countersigned... Corben was a bit of a monkey, but only because he'd had to endure a few hours strapped into his push-chair, then had a too-short nap and woke up in a pizza restaurant, somewhat grumpy and confused.

he's also developed too much of a liking for my iPod Touch. it's fantastic how much he's interacting with it, now (apps, menus, games, using the accelerometers, etc) but because it's become a killer toy for him, he's now throwing a tantrum when I have to have it back off him. He neeeeeever tantrums for me, so this has to be scotched before he thinks it's OK, so I guess I have to be strict about how long he can play with it for, then given a warning that I need it back, then firmly letting him know time's up.

Along those lines, his advent calendar has been good. He went quite apeshit the first two days when he was only allowed ONE chocolate and then had to wait until the next day, but now he's kinda chilled with it and understands he has to wait.

Of course, I did fall asleep the other day and woke up to find he'd taken half the doors off.

Hadn't eaten the chocolate. Noop. Just took the doors off. He is the Michael Cain of the advent calendar world.

Man, but I am SO knackered from carrying the pram up and down stairs on the underground.

Today's prize for MASSIVE FUCKING PRICK goes to the grumpy old fucking shitbag who was walking down a (mercifully short) flight of stairs (on the right, too, so fuck off, grandpa, you stay on the left on the underground).

I'm staggering up on the left hand side, carrying a fucking PRAM DUDE. he looks me square in the eyes and just keeps walking down the stairs toward me. So I have to fucking move over to the other side, thus stopping ALL traffic in both directions while cunty-chops there dodders his way down.

Thankyou for flying Air DeathBoy, that complimentary elbow you got in the ribs as I went past is all just part of the fucking service we provide for our 1st class shit-heel customers.

On the positive side, lest anyone think that London is as unfeeling as I'm repeatedly told, there were three other people who offered to help me with the pram when they saw me getting to the bottom of some stairs, in one case, a petite lassy who probably would have put her back out if I'd taken her up on it.

I did let the city gent in the suit help me, as I was shattered by then, and have to say it was a treat to find a polite member of his apparent social class on the underground. If there's one group of people i've been repeatedly shoved, shouted-at and pushed-in-front-of by, it's been businessmen in expensive suits, to whom the idea of common courtesy seemingly is alien. This chap, however, restored my faith a little.

Oh, aye, and we had a really helpful and accomodating waiter at the restaurant, who went the extra mile to make things easy for us with the nipper in tow.

A 4:1 nice-to-dickheads ratio is quite acceptable, go Londoners!

fuck. I've got to start work now.

no rest for the wicked.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:05:27 GMT

things to jangle my nerves after a long and tiring day:

THE FUCKING FRIDGE DOOR FALLS OFF AND ALL THE FOOD JARS CRASH ONTO THE TILES

damn, man. I just wanted a snack.